I wish mermaids were cooler than they are.

Summertime makes me think about mermaids.

When I was little, I pretended to be a mermaid in the pool. I would flip my hair around trying to get that Ariel hair-fan effect (I never achieved it, but gave myself a couple of wicked neck cramps). When I swam underwater, I would keep my legs together and fan out my feet like a fin.

It was not a very effective mode of underwater transportation, I can tell you that.

However, I have since realized that I actually would not enjoy being a mermaid. Like, at all.

Here is why.

1. I really, REALLY hate deep sea creatures.

They are slimy and yucky and weird.

look at that thing. LOOK AT IT. I WANT NO PART OF THIS.

Giant squid have beaks. beaks. I can't handle it. Swimming around with these freak shows is the last thing I want to do ever. I mean, there are some nice ones, like manatees. I love manatees. But I just can't get over the squid.

2. The ocean is really cold. And really dark. Which are two of my least favorite things for a place that I am to be. There is not actually a big glow in the dark castle nestled in the peaceful depths; there is a vent with a pseudo-volcano and huge fish whose heads light up and spongey slimy creatures everywhere. Ariel's castle is a castle of lies.

3. Salt water actually isn't good for your hair. It would be all briny and crap when you emerged to sing to pirates.

4. Speaking of singing... it's kind of impossible underwater. Maybe you could be known for your melodious sonar clicking, but that's about as close as you're going to get.

Also, according to the Discovery Channel, mermaids would look like this in real life: